The wheels have fallen off the proverbial wagon for the Detroit Red Wings.
After collapsing during their fourth March Sadness in a row, the team looks more lost than ever before. Over the last four years they've added a bona fide goal-scorer in Alex DeBrincat. They've hired a new coach in Todd McLellan. Steve Yzerman upgraded the team's goaltending with John Gibson. They even bought during the trade deadline and upgraded the defense with Justin Faulk.
No matter what they do - and no matter what they add - the team just keeps coming up short.
With that in mind, there need to be serious consequences for yet another season of underwhelming results. Some might suggest firing the general manager or the coach. Others may suggest trading captain Dylan Larkin. I believe the solution is quite simple: exile via catapult.
This is a win-win for both sides. For the fans, it shows accountability and a need to improve the roster. For the team, it shows that they can't coast anymore. There can't be any more "jerseys" on the roster -- because they will, of course, be exiled by a medieval era siege tool. Sure, the players might not want to be launched hundreds of feet into the air by a massive pulley system. But, on the other hand, the fans don't want to watch another miserable March collapse.
These five players are the best candidates for exile:
Michael Rasmussen: Launched into the sun
First on our list is one of two players remaining from the Ken Holland era. Michael Rasmussen, a former top-10 pick, hasn't put up a single point since January 5 of this year. Yes, you read that correctly: nothing. Nada. To be fair, he's played on the bottom pairing. He even sustained an injury late March.
Tapping the sign pic.twitter.com/tWhyITDzxu
October 23, 2025But, at 26 years of age, in the prime of his career, this level of production is beyond unacceptable. Rasmussen has been deployed primarily as a defensive forward this season, but his play is indefensible. He is to sloppy play what Ken Holland is to kicking tires during the trade deadline. His lazy, inconsistent play and inability to battle for the puck make him the ideal candidate to fly with the birds.
Fly, fly away, dear Moose. Fly, fly away.
Mason Appleton: Sent over the skyline
When Mason Appleton joined the Red Wings this last offseason, Winnipeg Jets fans rejoiced in the comment sections. Now, months later, Hockeytown knows why. Appleton, who has appeared in 64 games this season, has just 14 points. Just one of those has come in 2026. Six of those 14 - nearly half his points this season - came in October.
To be fair, Mason Appleton is a defensive forward. His career high of 36 points in 2023-24 doesn't exactly stand out offensively. But he has to be better than this. His current level of play at this point in the season is indefensible. What little boon he brings on the back end is immediately drowned out by the void left from his lack of scoring.
For this reason, he will find greener pastures in catapult-driven exile. How do you like them apples?
J.T. Compher is going to Mars
Some call him the stoppable force. Others call him the movable object. He's able to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory. He whelms like no other player has whelmed. J.T. Compher, who was brought in to serve as the team's second-line center, plays 15:35 a night on the team's bottom line. The $5.1M a year forward has just 24 points in 74 games this season.
In terms of economics, that's $212,500 per point, or $510,000 per goal. This is not good economics. To make matters worse, he still has another two years left on his contract. He is the hockey equivalent of the guy who brings his acoustic guitar to the party. The guy who, somehow, still thinks NFTs are relevant. He is to this team what Peter Chiarelli is to NHL front offices.
For this reason, he's earned a one-way ticket to Mars via trebuchet.
David Perron: Launched into retirement
David Perron isn't what he once was. Where many expected the gritty, physical forward that joined the Red Wings years ago, Perron is, unfortunately, not capable of that anymore. He's like when a band tries touring again but it's clear they've missed a step. Rather than go gentle into that good night, Perron has instead decided to rage, rage against the dying of the light.
It's resulted in little more than a whimper. Perron has zero points since joining the Red Wings. It's not that Hockeytown despises him for this. After all, he's a 37-year-old forward. But, at this juncture, it might be time to ride off into the sunset.
And what better way out than via the Catapult Express?
Perhaps Ben Chiarot can stay
Ben Chiarot is amusing in the way that a court jester is amusing. He makes blunders so spectacular, so mind-boggling, that you can't help but laugh. There are, of course, times where he plays at a competent level. There are moments where one might watch him play and say "yep, that's an NHL defenseman, alright". Those moments are becoming fewer and fewer by the years.
There's certainly a case for banishing Ben Chiarot. His contract, his play style, his lack of get-up-and-go in key moments are just a few reasons why he could (and should) be on the outs. But, in my humble opinion, every hockey team needs a player that's just hilarious to watch. For some, it's Cody Ceci. For the Red Wings of the past, it was Brendan Smith. Who can forget the time Brendan Smith tried to fight Zdeno Chara?
Watching a bad hockey team can be (and is) incredibly frustrating. Why not keep a really underwhelming player to make you laugh and remind you how far the team has come?
If you're going to exile Ben Chiarot by catapult, at least make it a funny banishment.