April 1, 2012; Detroit, MI, USA; Detroit Red Wings center Gustav Nyquist (14) and Florida Panthers right wing Mikael Samuelsson (26) battle for the puck in the second period at Joe Louis Arena. Mandatory Credit: Rick Osentoski-US PRESSWIRE

I Feel Like I Owe You An Explanation

As has been mentioned here once or twice before, I have a very strong dislike of one Mikael Samuelsson.  I’ve had this feeling since about 2007, when he had a more prominent role on the Wings.  I know I’ve made plenty of jokes, and I’ve been on the receiving end of numerous jokes on the twitter device (and from my friends and family(bastards)), but I feel it’s time to explain WHY my disdain of Mikael Samuelsson exists.

DO NOT, I REPEAT, DO NOT STAND 20 FEET WIDE OF THE NET WHILE SAMMY HAS THE PUCK!

I think it’s a well known fact that Samuelsson has a difficult time aiming his shot.  How the hell does he have kids (ZING!)?  But yeah, for some reason, he tends to shoot the puck high and wide when he has the puck in prime scoring areas.  I understand missing wide here and there, since everybody except Lidstrom misses.  But with Samuelsson, it was ridiculous how often his shot went wide or high.  Just ask Dan Cleary:

I know Cleary isn’t my favorite player, but yeah.  Don’t kill your own teammates, Sammy.  Had the puck been on target and not high, it would not have broken Cleary’s jaw.  I’m actually surprised that Sammy hasn’t killed a small child in the upper bowl by shooting so wide.  I know they have nets up there to protect, but still, he would shoot it THAT wide.  Not that I advocate child killing, I’m just saying it’s bound to happen.

SAMMY, OFFSIDE IS NOT A SUGGESTION, IT’S A RULE!

Yeah, pretty self-explanatory on this one.  Sammy does one of two things: he will skate in way early before the other Wing is even close to the blue line, or he will be skating with the puck and just stop 6 inches from the blue line while his teammates skate in offside.  That being said, here is Samuelsson’s least favorite movie scene of all time (NSFW):

OVER THE LINE!!!

SAMUELSSON COMES FROM THE JOHAN FRANZEN SCHOOL OF “TRYING”

All of our biggest complaints about Johan Franzen are that he has way too much talent but he doesn’t seem to give a crap so his talents go to waste.  Samuelsson is the exact same thing only without any talent outside of breaking his teammates jaw.  Sammy is not a two-way player.  In all honesty, he does have that game where he plays really well, but then he goes into the tank for 7 to 32 games.  If he manages to not go offside and his shot wide gives the opposing team a breakout, he rarely back checks hard enough to make a difference.  Samuelsson sucks.

SAMUELSSON PLAYING THE POINT ON THE POWER PLAY MAKES ME WANT TO STAB MYSELF IN THE EYE

Yeah, I really hope Samuelsson doesn’t play on the point during power plays this season.  With Kronwall, White, Quincey, Smith, Kindl, Colaiacovo, Howard, Helm, Eaves, my mom, and Abdelkader available to play the point, Babcock should not use Sammy out there.

To be fair to Sammy, he should not be put in a situation where people pass him the puck and expect him to not lose the puck in his feet for 5 seconds only to shoot it eleventy billion feet wide every time.  That was a run-on sentence, but I don’t even care.  Just like Sammy on the ice.

I DON’T THINK SAMUELSSON IS ACTUALLY SWEDISH

Swedes are some pretty people.  JustLookAtThese.  Then look at the following picture below (with my commentary):

Not to get political on a hockey blog, but you know there is still that very small percent of American citizens that think President Obama wasn’t born here?  They are called “birthers”.  Well, I think we should start a Sammy Birther movement.  Seriously, he is NOT Swedish.  Look at Nick, Hank, Gus…those are some good looking Swedes!  Then there’s…Samuelsson.  I DEMAND TO SEE THE BIRTH CERTIFICATE! #SammyBirther

SAMUELSSON STOLE MY NUMBER AND HONORS IT BY SUCKING!

Growing up as a goalie, I wore number 37.  I think one of the Wings goalies at the time had 37, so I went with it.  To this day, I am number 37 still even though I no longer play goalie(defense FTW!).  You all know me by my twitter name (@KevinN37). Samuelsson is number 37 for the Wings.  WHY WHY OH GOD WHY DID THIS HAPPEN?!?!?!?  At least Doug Janik didn’t totally and completely suck.  He wasn’t great, but he didn’t cause me to completely break down this July1st.  Ugh.  Samuelsson sucks.

I’ll stop here since I have the urge to go an a profanity-laced tirade and I’m not technically allowed to say bad words on this page.  Buck falls.  I’ll leave you with a lovely little picture of one of my favorite players.  One of these things is not like the other:

 

 

Tags: Mikael Samuelsson Mikael Samuelsson Sucks Samuelsson Sucks

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