The Hunger Games – Red Wings Edition

A couple of weeks ago, I went and saw “The Hunger Games” since I thought the concept of it seemed rather interesting.  I don’t know how the books (which I have not read) became popular with the teenage crowd, but regardless, the movie was cool and had a lot of interesting concepts.  But since nobody reads this site for movie reviews, and you probably read the headline, I’ll just get to the point…in a minute.

Quick high-level summary of “The Hunger Games” – each district has to select two children to send to the Hunger Games as a punishment for rebelling a long time ago.  Once the 24 children arrive, they basically go into a controlled environment and once the “games” begin, only one comes out alive.  Welcome to the thunderdome, b!#(h!

This got me thinking…if all the Wings were forced to play this game against each other, who would win?  The difference? It’s played on a very large glacier somewhere.  The glacier would be mostly flat, but would have some “elements” like in the movie, such as trees and fire (yes I know fire would melt the ice, shut up!).  The only weapons are hockey sticks and pucks.  I’m going to run down each player from this years team and list some strengths and weaknesses (why yes, there might be some thoughts from this season there, read and find out) and then get into my predictions for the tournament.  Let’s do this!

Jimmy Howard – I think he’d start off strong, but would struggle skating away since he’s a goalie and not used to it.

Ty Conklin – Would bring his plunger instead of a hockey stick.

Nicklas Lidstrom – Possible winner – would know how to perfectly shoot a puck off of a tree and into someone’s head.  Also, since he never gets hit, he’d have a chance to win.

Ian White – Would crumble as soon as Lidstrom left his side.

Niklas Kronwall – Kronner would definitely be strong out of the gate, but by KRONWALLING people, he may have a tough time sustaining enough energy.

Brad Stuart – He’d be able to sneak up on people since he’s very ninja and quiet like that, but could be vulnerable if someone mentions his kids or tells him it’s the 2012 playoffs.

Jonathan Ericsson – Having size and strength helps, but he might try and follow Lidstrom around too much (if there is such a thing) and leave himself vulnerable to attack.

Kyle Quincey – Too new and doesn’t know enough about the other players.  Goner.

Jakub Kindl – Would be very well rested since he didn’t play in the playoffs or for the Czech team.  Might have a hard time adjusting to actually having to do something.

Brendan Smith – Definitely has a chance to make something happen, but might get a little too excited and get caught off guard.

Pavel Datsyuk – Yep.  He’d get all the sponsors off the gate and has the skills to survive and humiliate people, along with being surprisingly strong.  Ask Shea Weber:

Dan Cleary – Would get hurt lacing up his skates and last 5 minutes tops.

Todd Bertuzzi – 10 years ago, might be able to kill everyone.  Now, not so much.  Might have the brains to last a little while past his welcome.

Johan Franzen – This is all up to Mule – would he care enough to fight for his life?  I’m leaning towards a “no”.

Henrik Zetterberg – Another possibility.  Always plays better with someone on his back, but could he survive another head smashing?

Valtteri Filppula – He’d be fine until he looked in a mirror.  He’d then just stare at how pretty he is for a while and could be an easy target.

Jiri Hudler – Would have to bring a phone book just to be able to climb the trees since he isn’t fast enough to skate away.

Darren Helm – Obviously would not be able to get caught due to speed reasons, but I feel he might do something stupid like skate into a tree.

Justin Abdelkader – The other half of team “dumb and dumber (with Helm)”, someone older would lure him in with an alliance and just off him when he’s no longer needed.

Drew Miller – Would have a better chance than most, only because his hair would blend him in and he’d be hard to find.

Cory Emmerton – Would be too busy crying over Commie and would be an easy target.

Tomas Holmstrom – This involves skating, right?  No chance for the Homer.

Gustav Nyquist – DON’T WORRY GUS, I’LL PROTECT YOU!!!!

Patrick Eaves – Might be able to distract some other players with his very amazing eyes and beautiful hair.  If he’s healthy enough, could be a long shot here.

Jan Mursak – Babcock and Holland would forget he exists and wouldn’t be invited to play.

Here’s how I see it going down:

Cleary, Emmerton, Holmstrom, White, Quincey, Conklin, Franzen, and Kindl are taken out right away for obvious reasons.

Bertuzzi tries to get Miller and Abdelkader to form an alliance with him.  Abdelkader agrees, but Bert offs Abby right away, so Milller offs Bert.

Pav, Hank, Fil, and Nyquist form an alliance.  Hudler tries to join, but sees what he thinks is a hooker (actually a bag full of poison) and he goes down (ha!).

Helm is being smart and just staying away from everybody else on the outside of the glacier.  He’s not up to full speed yet, but is at a good pace.

Lidstrom decides he just wants to sit there and be awesome.  Mission accomplished.  Ericsson and Smith skate over to try and learn from the zen master, but fall into the river and get eaten by a mutant octopus.

Stuart and Kronwall are protecting Howard just due to a force of habit.  Howard sees Eaves and thinks he’s a threat, so he attacks.  Eaves is all like “please” and ends Howie.  Kronwall then comes in for Eaves but ends up taking himself out as well.  Tough break.

We now have Pav, Fil, Hank, Gus, Miller, Helm, The Jesus, and Stewie left.

The alliance of Pav, Hank, Fil, and Gus splits up.  Gus still tries to follow Pav in secret.  DON’T DO IT GUS oh no it’s too late.  Poor Gus (sad face).  In the meantime, Hank notices Fil laboring in the second part of these games and backhands a puck right into Fil.  Nobody can survive a Hank backhand.

Stewie asks Nick if they could be partners again.  Nick says yes, then does his “Nick slap” so hard that Stewie is a goner.

Helm then notices Miller trying to attack him.  Helm skates so hard and fast, but forgets that the glacier ends, and ends up skating into the water.  That’s the DANGER ZONE!  Bye Helm.

The final four consists of Pav, Hank, Miller, and Nick.  After realizing he’s in the final group, Miller will take a few moments to reflect and celebrate.  Mistake.  Datsyuk takes care of him.

Hank tries to go and talk to Nick, but Nick places a perfect slapshot out of nowhere because Hank was responsible for Samuelsson and Hank goes down for the count.  Nothing Hank could do there.  Except maybe next time, don’t tell Holland to invite Samuelsson to play on the Wings.

This leaves us with Pav against Nick.  This would go on forever due to both players awesomeness, but I think in the end, Pav would find a way to take out Nick’s battery pack.  Congrats to Pavel Datsyuk, winner of The Hunger Games!

Have a different opinion?  Want to call me names for liking “The Hunger Games”?  You know the drill.  Yell at me on twitter: @KevinN37.