It’s just days before the abbreviated hockey season begins, which makes it the perfect time for the staff of Octopus Thrower to make their preseason predictions!
We will revisit these come the end of June when the season is over and the Stanley Cup Finals are said and done. In the meantime, enjoy our completely serious, absolutely accurate predictions about what you can expect for this 2013 NHL season.
Wings will win 30 games, putting them in 3rd place in the West.
Jordan: I’d say the odds are better that Mr. Ilitch will cancel his Just For Men subscription.
Dylan: Either 2nd or below fourth. I can’t think of any Pacific Division team that could best Detroit in the regular season.
Christina: Not sure about this one…I figure the highest we’ll finish is fourth.
Tomas Tatar will not stick with the Red Wings as more than an injury call up.
Jordan: Hope he sticks for a bit. A lot of nickname possibilities Tommy Tater’s and Tommy Ta Ta’s come to mind. Your thoughts?
Dylan: Sigh. Samuelsson ruined everything…
Christina: Agreed. (and to the Samuelsson comment above me, also agreed.)
Mikael Samuelsson will have more points than Jiri Hudler at the end of the year.
Jordan: Calling your bluff on this one.
Dylan: I’ll eat my skates if he does. I’ll even sharpen them first.
Christina: He better, or he won’t hear the end of it from me!
Colaiacovo will not be injured during the season.
Jordan: Yes and Riley Sheahan was dead sober.
Dylan: Maybe he should wear Holmstrom’s extra padding.
Christina: I think that would be a miracle.
Todd Bertuzzi will score 5 shootout goals
Jordan: And celebrates with a pinch of Skoal Citrus… losing 2 more pesky bottom teeth.
Dylan: Yikes. The idea of 5+ shootouts in a 48-game season scares me.
Christina: Sounds like something he would do.
Johan Franzen will score 24 goals over the 48-game season, but will only have goals in 10 games.
Christina: Hat tricks! Free Arby’s Curly Fries for all!
Peter: In a short season, if he hits a hot streak watch out.
Jordan: And will back-check in zero games.
Darren Helm will reach 25+ points this season (the equivalent of 40+ for a full 82-game season)
Christina: I would love to see this – it would mean he’s finishing on those ridiculously fast breakaways.
Peter: Helm needs to be healthy to pull this off and hasn’t had the best of luck recently
Jordan: Sounds about right. Could have used him against Nashville last spring!
The Red Wings will, for the first time in years, trade to ACQUIRE draft picks for 2013 instead of trading picks to acquire players. Ken Holland is too smart to allow the deep 2013 draft to pass his team by, especially with it’s aging forward corps.
Christina: I believe something has to change, so if this is it, we’ll see how it works this year…
Peter: Not happening. Ilitch is always in win now mode and he doesn’t have much time left
Jordan: That 1st rounder last year would have been nice especially after Quincey’s playoff performance.
Jimmy Howard will be in contention for the Vezina Trophy at the end of the season.
Christina: That might actually silence all his “You’re only that good because of Lidstrom!” critics…
Peter: This all depends on Cola, Quincey, and Smith who are all big question marks on the defence right now.
Jordan: Yes, and when he wins he will not accept the award because he doesn’t support Barack Obama.
The Wings will finish second in the west and the league, one point out of the top spot which will be held by the Edmonton Oilers.
Christina: Again, I don’t know if we’ll finish that high…and in a shortened season, I can see the Edmonton prediction being true…
Peter: Oilers will have the 1st pick again while laughing at CBJ fans, I can see 2nd place for the Wings happening though.
Jordan: Edmonton is too thin on the backend to finish that high. But, they will make the playoffs.
Wings Finish 7th In Western Conference Standings
1. Vancouver Canucks
2. LA Kings
3. St. Louis Blues
4. Minnesota Wild
5. San Jose Sharks
6. Chicago Blackhawks
7. Detroit Red Wings
8. Edmonton Oilers
Peter: Well at least they are in the playoffs…
Christina: This wouldn’t surprise me…but I don’t really want to play LA in the first round…
Dylan: I’m totally fine with taking on the most hungover (Stanley Cup and otherwise; Richards and Carter party hard) team in the league. We’ll finally make it past the first round.
Holland Finally Makes Big Splash In 2013 Free Agency: Signs F Corey Perry & D Alexander Edler
Peter: The only player Datsyuk has ever fought will not be coming to Detroit.
Christina: Man, I hate Corey Perry, but I would love him if he came here (I’d feel the same about Ryan Getzlaf, too…)
Dylan: More Swedish defensemen. More. MORE!
Patrick Eaves Does Not Return And Announces Retirement At Season’s End
Peter: I don’t think he returns this season, but next season he will be back. Count it.
Christina: This would depress me to no end, but I wouldn’t be surprised.
Dylan: Kenny needs to replace his skills on the PK fast, then. And his mullet too.
Red Wings Upset A Top Seed In Round 1, But Are Ousted in Round 2 of Stanley Cup Playoffs
Peter: How many Hot-N-Ready pizzas does Mr. Ilitch have to sell to just buy the Cup?
Christina: Hey, as long as we make it out of the first round, I’ll be happy.
Dylan: If it’s by San Jose, I’m defecting to Tampa to be with Stevie Y.
Stanley Cup Finals Features A Rematch of the 1994 Finals: Vancouver Canucks vs. New York Rangers. Same Teams Same Result… Rangers in 7
Peter: The Jets will win a Cup before the Canucks and by Jets, I mean NY Jets.
Christina: I’d watch it!
Dylan: I think I’d cry myself to sleep every night in May if Vancouver makes it to another Cup Final…
Darren Helm will have five shorthanded goals
Dylan: Which will equate to a third of his total goal output. I can dream, right?
Jordan: Sounds about right. Helm was was greatly missed last playoffs.
Peter: 5 short-handed breakaways, 0 goals. Stone hands.
Brendan Smith will be a star on the blue line and have 20-25 points
Dylan: Agreed, and I’ll still wish he was the other rookie defenseman from the University of Wisconsin.
Jordan: He’ll impress but not star.
Peter: A rookie who will make rookie mistakes, 10 points max.
Niklas Kronwall will be suspended for two games for a “questionable” hit that will rile up the fanbase
Dylan: Hopefully it’s on Shea Weber.
Jordan: If it’s on Joe Thornton I’ll be quite pleased.
Peter: Kronwall is coming for you.
Jordan Tootoo will become a fan favorite (ie – Todd Bertuzzi) by the end of the season.
Dylan: He’s like a fun-sized McCarty.
Jordan: The man eats raw seal. What’s not to like?
Peter: Yes, but please no whistles.
The Red Wings will finish fourth in the conference, #1 in the Central going to St. Louis.
Dylan: Could see this happening – St. Louis is gonna be scary this year.
Jordan: We finished 5th with Lidstrom. It only gets worse from here (at least this season).
Peter: Oh and you call 3rd too high…